Feeling “Boxed In”

Have you ever felt like you could not be your true self because you wanted to preserve everyone’s perception of you? Boxed in, you do not want to disrupt anyone’s skewed understanding of who you are. I spent years in this predicament. Being the youngest of three, I felt like I had to remain: “the baby”, “the quiet one”, “the innocent one” etc. These labels did not stop with my family but continued with friends. I was still “the quiet one”, and “the good one”. Whenever I did anything out of the norm, or more so out of people’s perception, I seemed to have shocked the world. Whether it be speaking up for myself, raising my voice, or expressing myself through various ways, the common responses were always “I did not know you were like that”. I was always taken aback by those words as if someone cursed at me. What does that even mean? I thought to myself “you barely know me, so what exactly did you think I was like?”  Slowly but surely, I was convinced no one really knew who I was nor were they opened to the fact that one can be multidimensional.

I was internally frustrated by this, so when I got older, I entered what I call my “rebel phase”. Although I still upheld everyone’s perception of me for the most part, I was finally doing what I wanted. I felt liberated, but still trapped because I was putting on a façade which inadvertently continued to coddle those around me.  A few months ago, my older sister inquired about my experiences with guys. I was thrown off because I hardly have conversations with her about my dating life or guys in itself. During our conversation, I only scratched the surface on the topic, but she reminded me that I’m her “little baby” and how she does not want me to grow up and to remain a virgin forever.

My sister did not know this, but I was infuriated with her response. Although we are close, the whole time she was expressing herself to me, I was angry because I wished she was there when I went through some of the darkest times pertaining to that compartment of my life. Of course, I went through things with guys, and instead of having my big sister in my corner to give me advice and console me, I got side eyed when I even mention that I went on a date. There it is again…people wanting me to be who they want me to be for their own comfort. I’m not seen as an individual going on their own journey, but rather just a person with affiliations to other people. I felt like everyone’s sidekick and I was honestly over it. I put others on a higher pedestal because I felt like they knew what was best even when it came to my life.

I had the realization that people are figuring out life just as I am. There was no need for me to resent others for how they react to life’s encounters. There was also no need for me to weigh anyone’s opinion, perception, and input over my life so heavily. And when I say anyone…I seriously mean anyone from parents, siblings, friends etc. I’m reminded of the verse where Jesus said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26-27 NIV). I don’t know about you, but I’d hate to live the rest of my life living for other people. I want to dedicate my life being sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit, being used by the Lord, and using my gifts to help others who are willing. I did not always make the wisest decisions; however, I became wise from those decisions. I began to constantly strive to build my relationship with God. I say all this to say: Do not allow other’s perception of you to keep you boxed in. Do not play small for other people’s comfort, God did not create you to be small in this world. You’re meant for greatness, it’s up to you to believe this and connect with your God-given purpose. Lastly, do not allow your frustration of being “boxed in”, allow you to rebel and make reckless decisions. Keep your eyes on God and allow Him to guide your footsteps.

With Love,

Allison